You go down the longest road to nowhere. You pull it apart and you're just left there

I am finishing up a 3-day weekend. And yet somehow, it seems like it has been much longer than that.

Many aspects of my life have taken a whole new turn. I'm forming friendships. I'm strengthening existing friendships. I'm having meaningful and thoughtful conversations with people, and learning to listen, and to empathize, with others.

A thought that I have often is "the smarter you are, the harder it is to be happy." I have wrestled with this idea for years. For nearly 15 years, as a matter of fact. As the years pass, I believe it to be more and more true. The more life that I live and the more that I experience, the harder it is for me to accept the idea that my ONE existence will ever be enough. I wish I had multiple life times to do everything that I feel will enrich me as a person, and to help me grow to understand and learn about the world.

But as I become older, and as I become more and more jaded about various aspects of my future, I focus on the things that I CAN control, and the things that I hope people say about me after my time on earth is up.

I just want to be a good person.

For years I lived my life selfishly. And I still battle with this quite often. Trying to accomplish things or to experience things by any means possible was my goal. "Do not let anyone, or money, get in the way of what you want." Well, I haven't. And I can't say that I'm better or worse off for it.

But as I settle into a routine here in my new life, with new people as my "rocks" and "shoulders," I want to refine my strategy.

I wish I always knew what to say. I wish that I could help heal the wounds of those around me. I wish that I had all, or any, of the answers. I wish that I could take away the pain, and stress, and sadness of the people in my life. My new strategy is to try to be there for people when they need me, to try to be a better friend, to try to help people realize their strengths, and to help them with their weaknesses. I want to be dependable, and helpful, and optimistic. I want to give my time, my thoughts, and my energy freely to those that need it, and to work on deriving my happiness from just being a good person.

It's hard for me to see the people around me suffer. I hope that in this new life, in my new life here, I can help ease that suffering. At least a little bit.

This is dedicated to all of the people, over the years, who have been this person for me. I thank you all. I owe you everything.

I remember when I lost my mind...

Sometimes I wonder who I am. Not the deep, philosophical question we often pose when trying to reevaluate ourselves. I did that recently. I'm over it.

No, I'm talking about how, sometimes, it seems like there's something that's taken over my body. Like there's an inebriated driver at the helm of my brain, and he's steering me off my course.

I think I'm going nuts.

I can't eat. I have zero appetite, and don't have the desire to consume anything. I'm normally so structured in my eating habits that my students joke, "It's almond time, isn't it?" every day around 10:30. But not anymore. After I consumed nothing yesterday (with the exception of two meal replacements shakes that I forced myself to drink), I finally forced down a Healthy Choice meal for lunch. Other than that? Nada. And no hunger pangs in sight.

I can't sleep. Granted, my Ambien is taking longer than I had hoped to be processed through my insurance company and I am simply waiting for it to arrive in the mail like a sweet package from a dear old friend. But nonetheless. Over the last 4 days I have tried every combination you can imagine: booze, booze and sleep aids, sleep aids and allergy pills. And NOTHING works. I have gotten so little sleep since Friday that I feel like I'm in college again: hoping for 6 hours and settling for 4.

I just cleaned my apartment. In my work clothes. Including tights. And dangly earrings. I scrubbed toilets. I did laundry. I vaccuumed the couch (it's a cat hair thing).

It's 9 pm and I'm wide awake, and I'm trying to figure out who this is. Because it isn't me.

This "new Sheri" is quite productive, though. Maybe tomorrow she'll clean my car.

Hold on loosely...

For the first time in a long time, I'm actually doing okay. Recent events have left me more optimistic about my life, and more ready and willing to welcome this here and present change with open arms.

School is still challenging. The students are still pre-pubescent and the sound of their shrill voices sometimes makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs. But on a whole, they're definitely the high point of my day. I don't know what that says about my day, but it speaks volumes about my decision to be a teacher. It's not what I wanted, but it sure does make me happy.

And, unfortunately, that's about it. No new movies. No new books. Just me and my cats. But now I have a better outlook. And I know that's better than nothing at all.