Them is fightin' words...

Last night, after a brief discussion about commitment, Justin commented on his desire to know "how we fight" as a gauge to our longevity as a couple. I tried to explain that I don't really fight (except with my mother), but rather like to talk things out rationally and honestly try to see the other party's point of view. While I often like to play devil's advocate in many debatable circumstances, there are very few issues where I am unwavering and unyielding in my position or beliefs. Let's be honest - I just don't care enough about that many things to fight over them. I'd rather keep the peace and be swayed by a convincing argument.

Justin seemed convinced that in order to be a solid and long-lasting couple, we had to fight well. And before he could commit to the idea of "us" in the long-term, he needed to see this fighting in action. I disagreed.

But that got me to thinking: what does fighting say about a couple? Can a couple be successful without fighting, or is this a pipe dream implanted into young girls' heads along with the white-picket-fence and 2.5 children ideal?

After a brief voyage on the information highway, I found a few interesting articles.

On And They Lived Happily Ever After, although they use marital fights as the topic of discussion, they point out a few key points that are valid for couples old and new, married and dating. They reiterate my point that personality types, not topics, are often the cause of fighting. A strong personality with convicted beliefs is considerably more likely to instigate or get caught in the middle of a verbal battle with their partner.

The nauseatingly named website also points out that even getting into a fight with your partner shows your interest in having a valid and open relationship. Why would you put yourself into a tense situation if you didn't trust your partner's opinion and value the relationship? You wouldn't. The woman would nod and smile, as a good woman should, and take a submissive position. Fighting back means there is something worth fighting for, even if "fighting" is simply expressing a difference of opinion or feelings of anger.

Lastly, they point out that incessant fighting is the result, not cause, of a poor relationship. People don't break-up because they fight; they fight because they are unhappy or unsatisfied, and ultimately break-up for those reasons. Constant fighting is merely the symptom, not cause, of an unsuccessful union.

Wanting a second opinion, I consulted the ultimate couples therapist, Dr. Phil (I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth). While I often take what he says with a grain of salt, and never listen to any advice his ill-educated wife has to offer, he did have a few gems of wisdom - I call them "gems" because they strike me as being in line with my own thoughts on the matter.

He states that healthy, loving couples, argue more with a solution in mind than a winner/loser declaration at the fights end. Loving someone means you want them to be happy, even if that means quietly and patiently listening to their side, and trying to find some middle-ground with your own ideas.

Philly also says that whether a couple fights "dirty" or not is an indication of the longevity of a relationship. Is there name-calling involved? Does one party keep bringing up past events as a way to produce holes in the other's argument? As he says, are you looking for an assassination or a solution as the end result?

In the end, Justin and I were both right. While fighting does often determine the stability and health of a relationship, it's the goal and the process of the fight or argument which should be examined.

As the old adage goes, it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.

Dammit! I really wanted to be right about this one...